How Not To Kill Your Family While Wedding Planning
Millennials and Boomers have different expectations about wedding planning. Understanding them will help.
Understanding where they were coming from
When we got engaged in 2023, my fiancé warned me Wedding Planning and Wedding Organization would be a hot mess. I figured he thought so because relationships in his family are complicated, with his parents divorced. I thought we would succeed in managing everyone’s susceptibilities, that the joy of the occasion would help appease the old animosity
Boy, was I naïve. He was absolutely right.
True, his familial context did not help. However, as I would discover in the following 18 months, there are also generational differences in how Baby Boomers and Millennials organize(d) weddings and what they expect from the day.
Had I known then what I know today, I think we would have communicated better with all parties and saved ourselves a lot of stress.
Or maybe we would have eloped, I am not sure.
We prepared a wedding during a major pandemic. And yet, the impact of the virus on the organization was easier to manage than our parents and other people of their generation.
And we both have loving parents, so it was no malice on their part. The world was just a different place when they married 35 years ago; they expected to reproduce things the way they had then. Understanding where they were coming from would have helped us communicate more clearly and efficiently, knowing when to compromise and when to put our foot down.
So for anyone who might need it, here is a list of the main differences I have found and how I would have managed them in hindsight if I had known about them, when applicable.
Disclaimer: For context, we are both French and from middle-class families. I acknowledge our cultural/social/economic backgrounds (and those of our parents) played a part, and your experience may differ from mine.
My parents got married in 1981 when they were both 23.
At the time, they were both about to finish their studies and would move in together (after the wedding) in a small studio provided by my paternal grandmother. At the time, it was up to the parents of the couple to pay for the wedding. In a perfect world, each side would pay for 50% of the total amount.
I know my maternal working-class grandfather felt a great deal of shame because he could not contribute as much as my paternal grandparents, who were better off financially. This affected the relationships between the two families for years.
Millennials / How it is now:
On the other hand, we got married in 2021 at 35.
My now-husband and I have had our careers for the past 10 years, and we have been living together in an apartment I own for the past 2 years.
We were not broke students anymore, so we had saved the necessary money for our wedding.
When we announced our engagement, my parents let us know they had saved a significant sum of money for my wedding. Which, in this joyful moment, we were happy to accept. I mean, who says no to free money?
When they heard about it, my husband’s parents took offense and felt pressured to contribute. However, they could not match the amount my parents were bringing, and this created tensions. My in-laws would grumble a lot about this to my husband.
Don’t get me wrong, we were very grateful for all the financial help we got. However, if I had known about the problems accepting money from our parents would create for us, I would have insisted that we pay for the wedding ourselves.
If our parents still wanted to donate, I would have suggested they offer it as a wedding gift (after the day) or as a down payment for a house in the future. This way, maybe our parents would not have felt so much competition with each other?
Baby Boomers / How it was then:
My parents did not know many of their guests on her wedding day, and my mom was not allowed to invite some of her friends to the event. Since parents were paying, they had complete control of the guest list.
From what I can gather, weddings were social occasions for the parents to invite the extended family and show off to their colleagues, for the lack of a better term. The wedding was about our grandparents’ display of social standings and of their success in raising children. It was not about the children themselves.
Millennials / How it is now:
Half of our generation chooses not to get married. Those who do get married expect a day in their image to celebrate our joy with our loved ones.
Because we are getting married later in life, we generally are more opinionated about who gets invited and who doesn’t. We don’t want to invite this aunt we have not talked to in 20 years just because we are related to her. To put it bluntly, at 120€ a pop for food and wine, we would much rather invite people we actually love and care about.
Our parents can invite their colleagues and friends to brag (or complain) about us at their own leisure.
However, my fiancé wanted to limit his guest to only the family members and friends he loves, which excluded scores of aunts, uncles, and cousins. After many diplomatic exchanges, he finally allowed his parents to invite two couples of their friends each, no more.
As you can imagine, his parents took it well.
We faced endless hours of discussion on the matter, emotional blackmail, the works.
Honestly, I don’t know how we could have managed things better without painful compromises, even with hindsight. I did not want to reduce my guest list to make things more even, and I stood by my fiancé’s choice to have only people he loved around him on this special day.
But I can also understand the difficulties and frustration it created for his mother and father.
Boy, was I naïve. He was absolutely right.
True, his familial context did not help. However, as I would discover in the following 18 months, there are also generational differences in how Baby Boomers and Millennials organize(d) weddings and what they expect from the day.
Had I known then what I know today, I think we would have communicated better with all parties and saved ourselves a lot of stress.
Or maybe we would have eloped, I am not sure.
We prepared a wedding during a major pandemic. And yet, the impact of the virus on the organization was easier to manage than our parents and other people of their generation.
And we both have loving parents, so it was no malice on their part. The world was just a different place when they married 35 years ago; they expected to reproduce things the way they had then. Understanding where they were coming from would have helped us communicate more clearly and efficiently, knowing when to compromise and when to put our foot down.
So for anyone who might need it, here is a list of the main differences I have found and how I would have managed them in hindsight if I had known about them, when applicable.
Disclaimer: For context, we are both French and from middle-class families. I acknowledge our cultural/social/economic backgrounds (and those of our parents) played a part, and your experience may differ from mine.
Financing the wedding
Baby Boomers / How it was then:My parents got married in 1981 when they were both 23.
At the time, they were both about to finish their studies and would move in together (after the wedding) in a small studio provided by my paternal grandmother. At the time, it was up to the parents of the couple to pay for the wedding. In a perfect world, each side would pay for 50% of the total amount.
I know my maternal working-class grandfather felt a great deal of shame because he could not contribute as much as my paternal grandparents, who were better off financially. This affected the relationships between the two families for years.
Millennials / How it is now:
On the other hand, we got married in 2021 at 35.
My now-husband and I have had our careers for the past 10 years, and we have been living together in an apartment I own for the past 2 years.
We were not broke students anymore, so we had saved the necessary money for our wedding.
The problem:
When we announced our engagement, my parents let us know they had saved a significant sum of money for my wedding. Which, in this joyful moment, we were happy to accept. I mean, who says no to free money?
When they heard about it, my husband’s parents took offense and felt pressured to contribute. However, they could not match the amount my parents were bringing, and this created tensions. My in-laws would grumble a lot about this to my husband.
Don’t get me wrong, we were very grateful for all the financial help we got. However, if I had known about the problems accepting money from our parents would create for us, I would have insisted that we pay for the wedding ourselves.
If our parents still wanted to donate, I would have suggested they offer it as a wedding gift (after the day) or as a down payment for a house in the future. This way, maybe our parents would not have felt so much competition with each other?
Baby Boomers / How it was then:
My parents did not know many of their guests on her wedding day, and my mom was not allowed to invite some of her friends to the event. Since parents were paying, they had complete control of the guest list.
From what I can gather, weddings were social occasions for the parents to invite the extended family and show off to their colleagues, for the lack of a better term. The wedding was about our grandparents’ display of social standings and of their success in raising children. It was not about the children themselves.
Millennials / How it is now:
Half of our generation chooses not to get married. Those who do get married expect a day in their image to celebrate our joy with our loved ones.
Because we are getting married later in life, we generally are more opinionated about who gets invited and who doesn’t. We don’t want to invite this aunt we have not talked to in 20 years just because we are related to her. To put it bluntly, at 120€ a pop for food and wine, we would much rather invite people we actually love and care about.
Our parents can invite their colleagues and friends to brag (or complain) about us at their own leisure.
The problem:
I come from a close family, and I have known my parent’s friends for the past 30+ years. So I was pleased to invite all of them to our wedding.However, my fiancé wanted to limit his guest to only the family members and friends he loves, which excluded scores of aunts, uncles, and cousins. After many diplomatic exchanges, he finally allowed his parents to invite two couples of their friends each, no more.
As you can imagine, his parents took it well.
We faced endless hours of discussion on the matter, emotional blackmail, the works.
Honestly, I don’t know how we could have managed things better without painful compromises, even with hindsight. I did not want to reduce my guest list to make things more even, and I stood by my fiancé’s choice to have only people he loved around him on this special day.
But I can also understand the difficulties and frustration it created for his mother and father.
Wedding Registry Gifts
Baby Boomers / How it was then:
My mom was from a Catholic household; so naturally, living with my father before getting married was out of the question. After they tied the knot, they went to live in my father’s bachelor pad. The wedding list allowed them to furnish this new home with all they needed to start their life together. Millennials / How it is now:
My fiancé and I had been living together for months before we got married, and since we both had our own places before living together, we even had some things twice.
So, instead of a wedding list, we opted for an urn in the wedding hall so guests could help us finance our honeymoon trip to Japan.
The problem:
Guests of the older generations kept asking our parents where the wedding list was well before the day. In the end, this one was simple to solve: I added a line in an email with all the other wedding details, letting them know about the urn. Once that detail was clear, the questions ended. Easy-peasy, for once.
I have to mention it was still an adjustment for some of our older guests who are not used to offer cash on a wedding day. So if you do have some needs for your home, maybe create a small wedding registry for what you need so people can opt for a physical gift if they want?
My parents gave a camera to one of their friends to take pictures during the day. They also relied on other guests to bring their own cameras and take photos for them. And video was not a thing yet in 1981, because camcorders were so expensive.
The wedding decorations consisted of floral centerpieces on the table of the wedding hall.
Millennials / How it is now:
We, as a generation, love social media. So we want our weddings to look good, and we want the pictures to share and remember it. Video seemed overkill for us, so we saved on that. Still, we wanted an excellent professional photographer and were ready to pay the quality price.
We also spent a lot more than they had had on decorations.
The problem:
Our parents could not understand why we would spend 1,700€ on a professional wedding photographer. For them, we could have saved money by placing disposable cameras on the tables and letting the guests take their own pictures. They also said the guests would take photos on their phones anyway.
We did not compromise on this and paid the photographer ourselves. Amateur pictures are nice to document the atmosphere of a wedding, but we also wanted more artistic souvenirs of our perfect day.
When we received the professional photos, our parents were delighted with the results. They even had some of them printed for their home. They said it had been money well spent, given the quality of the pictures.
Our parents got married in their city hall, followed by a ceremony in the closest church. Their weddings were one-day events.
Millennials / How it is now:
Neither of us is religious, so the church was out of the equation. And the pandemic seriously limited the number of guests we could have for the city hall.
I am not sure it is the case for all millennial weekends, but we decided to split the city hall from our private ceremony:
· The city hall took place on a Wednesday in his mom’s city, followed by lunch at my parents. All of this was near Paris.
· The “actual ceremony” with all our guests took place 10 days later (delayed by Covid, it was initially 3 days later) in Normandy (about 300 km away from Paris). It was followed by a light brunch on the day after before our guests drove back.
The problems:
First, we had not expected many of our older guests to be upset for not being invited to the City Hall ceremony. For us, it was just a necessary administrative step, not what really mattered compared to the beautiful and meaningful event that was to follow. And, with Covid, it’s not like we had a choice in the matter, as we could only have 20 guests with us in the hall. Nevertheless, we got a lot of grief for that.
The second problem might have been specific to the configuration of my own wedding, but I will share it anyway.
My parents (only my side of the family on this) felt like they had to entertain their friends on the day before and the day after the wedding, and several days after that. Because we had to stay at their place, we had to help them organize several side events we had not requested on the most critical days of the wedding organization. And that we could not rest on the days after as we kept having people over.
It boiled down to the fact that my mom felt she was supposed to be the hostess at my wedding, and because it was not so, she felt compelled to host her own events for her family events and friends. On my end, I felt like she was trying to up the ante on me and created so much unnecessary stress.
There were other minor tensions in the organization of our wedding day. Still, I believe many of the problems came from generational differences.
As with all human relations, the key is to understand where the other party is coming from and meet them halfway with clear communication.
I will finish with a word of reassurance: We all fought a lot during those months but in the end, all our families were there for us on this magical day.
We are so lucky to have them all, and ten years from now, that’s what we will remember.
My mom was from a Catholic household; so naturally, living with my father before getting married was out of the question. After they tied the knot, they went to live in my father’s bachelor pad. The wedding list allowed them to furnish this new home with all they needed to start their life together. Millennials / How it is now:
My fiancé and I had been living together for months before we got married, and since we both had our own places before living together, we even had some things twice.
So, instead of a wedding list, we opted for an urn in the wedding hall so guests could help us finance our honeymoon trip to Japan.
The problem:
Guests of the older generations kept asking our parents where the wedding list was well before the day. In the end, this one was simple to solve: I added a line in an email with all the other wedding details, letting them know about the urn. Once that detail was clear, the questions ended. Easy-peasy, for once.
I have to mention it was still an adjustment for some of our older guests who are not used to offer cash on a wedding day. So if you do have some needs for your home, maybe create a small wedding registry for what you need so people can opt for a physical gift if they want?
Photographs and videos
Baby Boomers / How it was then:My parents gave a camera to one of their friends to take pictures during the day. They also relied on other guests to bring their own cameras and take photos for them. And video was not a thing yet in 1981, because camcorders were so expensive.
The wedding decorations consisted of floral centerpieces on the table of the wedding hall.
Millennials / How it is now:
We, as a generation, love social media. So we want our weddings to look good, and we want the pictures to share and remember it. Video seemed overkill for us, so we saved on that. Still, we wanted an excellent professional photographer and were ready to pay the quality price.
We also spent a lot more than they had had on decorations.
The problem:
Our parents could not understand why we would spend 1,700€ on a professional wedding photographer. For them, we could have saved money by placing disposable cameras on the tables and letting the guests take their own pictures. They also said the guests would take photos on their phones anyway.
We did not compromise on this and paid the photographer ourselves. Amateur pictures are nice to document the atmosphere of a wedding, but we also wanted more artistic souvenirs of our perfect day.
When we received the professional photos, our parents were delighted with the results. They even had some of them printed for their home. They said it had been money well spent, given the quality of the pictures.
The events around the wedding
Baby Boomers / How it was then:Our parents got married in their city hall, followed by a ceremony in the closest church. Their weddings were one-day events.
Millennials / How it is now:
Neither of us is religious, so the church was out of the equation. And the pandemic seriously limited the number of guests we could have for the city hall.
I am not sure it is the case for all millennial weekends, but we decided to split the city hall from our private ceremony:
· The city hall took place on a Wednesday in his mom’s city, followed by lunch at my parents. All of this was near Paris.
· The “actual ceremony” with all our guests took place 10 days later (delayed by Covid, it was initially 3 days later) in Normandy (about 300 km away from Paris). It was followed by a light brunch on the day after before our guests drove back.
The problems:
First, we had not expected many of our older guests to be upset for not being invited to the City Hall ceremony. For us, it was just a necessary administrative step, not what really mattered compared to the beautiful and meaningful event that was to follow. And, with Covid, it’s not like we had a choice in the matter, as we could only have 20 guests with us in the hall. Nevertheless, we got a lot of grief for that.
The second problem might have been specific to the configuration of my own wedding, but I will share it anyway.
My parents (only my side of the family on this) felt like they had to entertain their friends on the day before and the day after the wedding, and several days after that. Because we had to stay at their place, we had to help them organize several side events we had not requested on the most critical days of the wedding organization. And that we could not rest on the days after as we kept having people over.
It boiled down to the fact that my mom felt she was supposed to be the hostess at my wedding, and because it was not so, she felt compelled to host her own events for her family events and friends. On my end, I felt like she was trying to up the ante on me and created so much unnecessary stress.
There were other minor tensions in the organization of our wedding day. Still, I believe many of the problems came from generational differences.
As with all human relations, the key is to understand where the other party is coming from and meet them halfway with clear communication.
I will finish with a word of reassurance: We all fought a lot during those months but in the end, all our families were there for us on this magical day.
We are so lucky to have them all, and ten years from now, that’s what we will remember.
